Women are expected to have, at least, one child. On top of that, “society”
and other health factors put an age limit to it.
Times are changing. More and more women are deciding to “wait”,
irrespective of the ticking clock, until they feel that the time is right.
Refilwe Thobega catches up with four women, who
want to be ready before bringing a human being to the world. These ladies
represent many others who do not feel pressured into having babies by their
peers, families or societies at large.
________________________________________________
*Mmapaseka Moseki (28) is a freelance journalist. After staying in Gauteng for more than eight years,
early last year she has relocated to Port Shepstone with her fiancé.
“He got a job there, and after working for a major newspaper as an arts
writer for almost eight years I decided to resign and go with my man. I craved
change. I needed a new start, and relocating seemed like a great one.”
Mmapaseka’s fiancé, a mechanical engineer, has just paid “lobola”. They
are celebrating six years together in February 2014.
At 28, I still feel
I'm not ready
“I like kids, but sometimes I am scared of them
because I have had incidents where they cried when I held them, making me feel
like I did something wrong.
“My sister had her only son at 13, so from the
age of six years I was aware of pregnancy and the idea that you have to be
ready to have a child.
By my teens, my goal was not to fall pregnant, it was almost like a
phobia. And at 28, I still feel I'm not ready,” she says.
Mmapaseka says her husband has a child from a previous relationship. “I
dream of giving him a boy. And I'm a little curious about the kind of mother I
would make. I'm dealing with my own demons like getting in touch with my
emotions (Aquarians suffer from being aloof), so things like that make me wonder
if I would make a good mother.”
We will do it at our own pace
As newlyweds, people in their lives expect them
to have a baby soon, if they are not already planning to have one already.
“My husband and I have just started living together, before this; we
were in a long-distance relationship. We still have to know each other more
before we bring a child into this world. We will do it at
our own pace.
 |
| Whose baby is it anyway? |
Meet Faith Modise
(34) of Greenstone, Johannesburg. She is a content coordinator for an
e-learning company. She
says that a baby is the last thing on her mind. “I have been single for a year
now,” she says.
I haven’t found the right man as yet
Despite not
having them, Faith says the loves kids. “Actually, I adore kids. I simply don’t
have them because I haven’t found the right man as yet who has the same morals
and values.”
Society
expects one to have at least one child, if not two, at age 34. If not, one is
sure to expect some remarks, comments and opinions. Most of them not so
pleasant. Faith experiences that. “Yes, of course people talk, but it doesn’t
bother me because I decide what I want to do with my life,” she says.
According to Faith,
there shouldn’t be single mothers “because kids are meant for married couples”.
However, she has great “respect for single mothers who share responsibilities
of being a father and a mother to their kids and doing the best they can to
provide for them.”
 |
| If he's gonna be your baby daddy, chose him wisely. |
I am awaiting my time
Faith has a hectic lifestyle which includes being a part-time gym
instructor. She also dances for the Blue Bulls Rugby Team. “I am a health freak
who doesn’t believe that the clock ticks for anyone to have babies,” She says.
She has recently appeared on the Big Brother Stargame Reality TV Show
training the housemates three times a week. “And that was the best experience of
my life. “I am the oldest Bulls Babe and am very proud of myself for pulling
this physique because this look got a lot of people fooled.”
It is clear for Faith, society, family and friends and their expectations
can wait.
“The word of God
says ‘wait upon the Lord’. We do not live for ourselves, our paths are not the
same, being overtaken by your peers whether career, marriage or children
shouldn’t matter because God did not mean for us to have the same things at the
same time. I am awaiting my time and only God will decide. In the meantime, I
am living comfortably and I am trusting on Him to turn His clock,” she concludes.
 |
| Faith Modise, Blue Bull Babe |
Mmakgang Enele, at 40, has no kids. And she is happy
with that. And it was her choice.
She has a degree in Environmental Science and working as a Deputy Director for
Institutional Establishment. Her work involves engaging with different sectors on
water-related matters and supporting water users for the establishment of Water
Management Institutions.
Kids are such a bunch of joy
Mmakgang, who has just relocated from Gauteng to the Western Cape, has been together
with her partner for the past five years. “I don't think I would still be dating him if
there were some abnormalities. The one thing I like about him is that he lets
me be who I want to be and he understands my character,” she’s pleased to say.
“I am from a big family of six (four girls and two boys). All my siblings have
got kids and I love them to bits. Kids are such a bunch of joy and I love them,”
she says.
Then how come
she does not have kids of her own?
“I grew up in a stable environment with both parents supporting each other in
raising us. I believe raising a child alone is a big challenge and wouldn't
want to see myself in that situation. I told myself from a very young age that
my parents will be my role models as far as family planning is concerned. It
only makes sense to me to have a child when I am married. I do not see myself
having a child without a supporting structure. A supporting structure is not
only about money, the day-to-day responsibilities of raising a kid also play an
important role,” she says.
 |
| Isn't he lovely? |
I stand by my decision
Mmakgang says that she had “planned” to have kids before she turned 40 ̶ only
if she was married. She then decided that if she turned 40 and still not be married,
she would not like to go through the process of child bearing at that age.
“The man who will
marry me should understand that our marriage is for companionship. To have
someone to love, grow old with and enjoy life. I am very content with my
decision and still stand by it. I however, applaud single parents; there are
kids with great mothers out there,” she said.
And as for people who ask her why she does not have kids, Mmakgang says that “I
always show them my ring finger. It may sound silly but that's how I respond.
They say ‘but you are not growing any younger’ and my response will be, ‘I am
aware’.
I am
surrounded by so many kids, being from family or friends, and I consider them
my own and love them that much.
 |
| Total respect for all the single mothers keeping it together. |
I am not going to adopt and be a
single parent either
Mmakgang says she does not necessarily experience pressure from family, only
friends: “It is not offending statements that I get from my friends but
continuous reminders that ‘you don't have a child!’ For example, when I always
have money to pamper myself (being it on holidays or material things) I would
be told that no wonder I can afford all that, it’s because I don’t have
children. Of course I do not have such
responsibilities. It is great that I don't have to budget for school fees.”
She says that she has actually thought about adoption. “But I am not going to adopt
and be a single parent either. My boyfriend will support me on any decision I
make in that regard. He promised that he will definitely play a role if I
decide to adopt.
Thirty-year-old
*Jenny du Plessis, a graphic
designer, is happily married to the man of her dreams. They have been together
for eight years. She is happily – not a mother.
She and
her husband have lived in Gauteng all their lives then moved to Knysna last
year. “We wanted to get away from the busy lifestyle and learn to relax and
enjoy life,” she says.
But just not now for us
“I do not have kids and do not want to have them
right now. I think they are amazing, beautiful and fun. But just not now for us.
I have a busy life, and want to spend some time on myself to figure out who I
am. I do not think this is selfish, I think it would be selfish of me to have
kids and not really want them. I feel that I am not yet ready for children, and
I want to establish myself first.”
Jenny
says that she respects single mothers. “They are strong and have immense courage.”
But she has no mercy for young girls who become parents too soon. “They are
irresponsible. No schoolgirl can look after a child,” she concludes.
Most
women begin to get worried when they hit or approach 30, but some, such as
these four, know that nothing is random – everything happens at the right
time.
 |
| Your time is not my time. |
However, there are risks involved in having babies when the
mother is above 35. According to the Mayo clinic, it might take longer to get
pregnant. Women
are born with a limited number of eggs. As you reach your early 30s, your eggs
might decline in quality. An older woman's eggs also aren't fertilized as
easily as a younger woman's.
Women are more likely to develop gestational diabetes. This type of diabetes occurs only during
pregnancy, and it's more common as women get older. Chances
of develop high blood pressure during pregnancy are also high.
Older mothers have a higher risk of pregnancy-related
complications that might lead to a C-section delivery. Babies born to older
mothers have a higher risk of certain chromosome problems, such as Down
syndrome, and the risk of miscarriage also increases as you get older. But
despite the odds, many women are
delaying pregnancy well into their 30s and beyond, and delivering healthy
babies.
In
December 2013, 39-year-old Luyanda Buseka of Mpumalanga gave birth to healthy
twins, a girl and a boy, Asanda and Sisanda, weighing 2.5kg 2.6kg, respectively.
“Where are all those people and doctors who said it was too late for me to have
children? I think the timing is perfectly perfect for me. Everything is happening
as God intended it to. I would not have wanted it in any other way. I am
blessed. My angels are here.”
According
to Huffpost Celebrity, Cameron Diaz told Parade magazine in 2009:
"I have an unbelievable life. In some ways, I have the life that I have
because I don’t have children," she said. "I don’t think it’s a
compromise to have children. I don’t think it’s a compromise not to. I think
it’s just a different choice."
 |
| Cameron Diaz |
Media mogul, Oprah Winfrey said she never wanted children for
herself. However, she founded the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in
South Africa in 2007 -- and now counts the girls in her school as
"daughters."
She said: "I never had children, never even thought I would have
children. Now I have 152 daughters; and still expecting more. That is some type
of gestation period."
 |
| Oprah Winfrey |
There are many other women, famous and not famous, in South
Africa and all over the world – who chose to “delay” having kids or not having
them at all. For some women it might not be intentional, but this article is
about those say that having children is a choice, not some form of a “sign” to
show that one is indeed a woman.
Mmakgang summed it up nicely when she said: “At my age (40) people
will always want to put pressure, make comments and want to give advice. I do
not succumb to pressure in any way that will affect my way of living and
compromise my way of thinking. Everyone has a choice to decide what they want. There
are people who are very influential and would make one believe otherwise and
change ones way of thinking. Be yourself and believe in your principles.”
@refilwethobega
(Freelance journalist,
content writer, copy editor, radio personality)
*Not
their real names.
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